


Painkiller

by Angelicat2



Series: Mental Health and Disorders [4]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Blood and Injury, Chronic Pain, Crying Keith (Voltron), Drug Addiction, Drug Withdrawal, Episode: s02e08 The Blade of Marmora, Fantastic Racism, Hurt Keith (Voltron), Hurt Shiro (Voltron), Keith (Voltron) Has Abandonment Issues, Literal Sleeping Together, Minor Antok/Kolivan (Voltron), Near Death Experiences, Nightmares, Overdosing, POV Keith (Voltron), POV Shiro (Voltron), Past Child Abuse, Protective Kolivan (Voltron), Self-Harm, Shiro (Voltron) is a Good Friend, Sick Keith (Voltron), Substance Abuse, Worried Shiro (Voltron), kind of, pre-s to s2, turned into past self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:55:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24080920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angelicat2/pseuds/Angelicat2
Summary: The Galra feel psychological pain as physical pain, and those who are young are most at risk for developing unhealthy coping habits to feel better.After the Kerberos mission goes to hell, Keith's own pain begins. Even when Shiro gets back, it doesn't stop him from needing to numb the burn in his chest. Things spiral from there over the months.
Relationships: Keith & Shiro (Voltron), Keith & Voltron Paladins, Keith/Shiro (Voltron), Kolivan & Shiro (Voltron), Shiro & Voltron Paladins
Series: Mental Health and Disorders [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1556461
Comments: 11
Kudos: 275





	Painkiller

**Author's Note:**

> **_I'm the shoulder you cry on,_ **
> 
> **_The dose that you die on_ **
> 
> **_~Three Days Grace, Painkiller_ **
> 
> Hey, guys. This is the fic I've been so excited to post for a while now. I love Three Days Grace so I had to use their song quote since it matches this fic so well. Enjoy!

It starts small.

Actually, no. It starts big.

The feeling comes as soon as pilot error is announced. It feels as if someone’s taken a file and thrust it into his chest, sawing into his heart over and over again. It burns worse than the fire that took his pops from him, so hot that he thinks it could be severe heartburn at first.

But it doesn’t ease.

He gets kicked out of the Garrison, fucks up his career. Shiro would be disappointed, but he doesn’t care. Shiro is gone. Shiro is dead.

The pain only gets worse.

He goes to his dad’s old shack, the place rundown and beaten, just like him. By this point, it feels like his chest is being shredded from the inside out. He checks it, to make sure that there’s no actual wound, and there isn’t. It's not even red. But it feels like it should be, like there should be blood dripping down his front onto the sandy floor. He’s got nothing left, nowhere to go to, no one to care about him.

He turns to cutting. It takes the edge off, makes him feel something other than _I’m fucking dying inside_ and _he’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead, gone, dead, gone_ and _there’s no point, there’s no point, your heart is gone, it’s gone and so is he._ He slices into his thighs, cutting deep enough to send the blood that _should_ be running free, out. It takes some of the pain away, to feel this pain in other places.

Shiro would be ashamed of him, but he’s not here.

_He’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead, what does it matter? He’s gone, he’s gone, he’s gone, he’s gone, he’s gone, he’s gone..._

It gets so bad, the pain worsening to the point where he’s having a hard time breathing correctly. He should go to a doctor or hospital, but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t have the money for it, and he can’t bring himself to go. He hates this all. He’s tired and hurts and wants Shiro back.

“Fuck,” he curses out as the blade slices way too deeply. Blood that had been streaming out now bursts out like a waterfall. It’s a cut to his upper thigh, right over his inner right leg, deep enough that he knows he fucked up badly, “Fucking shit. Way to fucking go, Keith.”

He yanks the white towel from the shitty bathroom, pressing it to his gushing wound. His chest doesn’t hurt anymore, but he’s more focused on bigger issues like not goddamn bleeding to death. It wasn’t his goal to go this way. He was still searching for that energy. Shiro would be ashamed. His dad would be devastated.

No one else gave a damn.

“Shit,” he spits out as he holds tighter. The slice bleeds more, soaking through the towel in no time, his head already beginning to spin from the loss. He holds tighter, realizing that it won’t stop, not like this. The blood’s already staining his bathroom, his hands absolutely coated in scarlet. He whips his head around to find something quickly as he starts to grow weak, “Come on...Come on!”

Something snaps in his mind, calling his attention to his blade, the one his dad left him. It sits innocently to the side as if it hadn’t witnessed his stupidity, hadn’t seen him gouge his flesh out. It’s good enough for what he has in mind as he grabs it quickly, glad he kept the blow torch nearby. He quickly heats up the blade, watching as it heats up. It never goes red hot, but he can see the steam hanging off of it as he yanks it onto his bleeding flesh. With a scream of pain, he holds it there as the skin seals shut, the bleeding cut off. A moment passes before he lets go of the weapon, it clattering away before he sighs, uncaring of the blood soaking into his hair and clothes. There’s no sign that he had cauterized the wound, at least not with the dagger. He's still a bloody mess though, leg bright red and bound to scar in the shape of his blade.

“Sorry,” he pants softly, eyes tight with tears, “Sorry, Shiro. Sorry. Come back. Please.”

He passes out, recovering in the next few days. He quickly figures out that self-harm isn’t doing anything to help. But the pain comes back. He’s still grieving for his best friend...his only friend.

He turns to morphine. He doesn’t mean to at first, but the pain is pure agony, feeling like it’s eating him up alive. He misses Shiro so much still that he hurts. Why does it hurt like this? 

So he goes in to get some of the medicine. He uses the excuse of his burn to get away with it, and it works. He takes the first dose and it gets rid of the pain, numbs it down so that he can actually take a deep breath in for once. He just has to inject it once a week, and he feels so much lighter, as if his chest weren’t collapsing in on itself. 

Sure, he spends some days in a hazy fog, but he welcomes them with open arms after all that pain. Some days, he’s too tired to get up and do anything, and he doesn’t take the best care of himself, but he survives. He’s _alive._

What more could he do?

And then Shiro returns, falling from the stars. Keith has him back, finally. He finally feels a bit more whole, a little less hurt.

But by then, it’s too late. He’s already gone, trading in his soul. They get to a castle, the Blue Lion taking them. They fight off the Galra, crushing the ship before retiring for the night. And Keith...he starts to get an itch. He should be grateful. He should be able to quit, to move on. But his body and mind craves more, wants that numbing source. So he sneaks his way into the infirmary a day or two later, sneaking out a few syringes of the medicine that he knows is like what he had been using. It’s a small package, the needle a bit less invasive than the ones he used on Earth. The medicine lasts longer, is stronger. He’s in bliss for a while, even with the war raging around them and that they - that _Shiro_ \- could die at any time. It gets him through.

…..

Shiro sighs as he sits down in the lounge, taking the seat next to Keith. The younger looks a bit tired, a little bit pale. He’s been inside longer than Shiro has, but the others must have been there before him. Shiro glances at them chattering away on their latest project. Hunk leans over to the side as Pidge sits there typing away, Lance on her other side, eyes bright and grin on his face.

“Oh my god,” the guy laughs before rubbing his face, grinning over at them, “You should have heard mullet. He was all “Vol...tron…” and I can’t tell if he did it on purpose to mess with me. Huh, mullet? I know you were messing with me.”

Keith doesn’t respond, which gets all of their attention. They all look over at him, even Shiro as he stares at the shorter. Keith’s resting against the couch, hands resting on his lap and head tilted back enough to rest it against the top of the sofa. His face is kind of...relaxed but faraway, like he’s daydreaming about something, staring up to the side. His eyes kind of have that hazy shine to them.

“Keith?” Shiro frowns as he gently places his hand to the younger’s shoulder. The other blinks for a moment, turning his head to glance at him before humming softly in confusion. Shiro can’t help being worried, “You with us?”

“Yeah,” he nods carefully before blinking and rubbing his face for a second, “What’s wrong?”

“I was just telling them about how you messed up the team chant,” Lance grins before he laughs at the annoyed glare Keith gives him, “Oh man...I’d be scared if you weren’t daydreaming over there. Whatcha thinking about? More emo weirdness? The ladies? Knives?”

“Hah hah, Lance,” Keith hisses before he rests back some more, “Just tired right now. You're the one with women on your mind.”

A gasp goes through the air as Pidge laughs loudly. Hunk just sits there, not even hiding his grin.

"BURN!"

"HEY! I THOUGHT YOU WERE ON MY SIDE!" Lance squawks before rolling his eyes, looking back in Keith's direction, "Tired? I bet you had a certain someone on t-"

Lance smirks before opening his mouth. Pidge slaps his arm, getting a yelp from him, “Ow! What was that for?”

“You were going to say something stupid,” she rolls her eyes, “I really don’t need to hear about Keith’s habits. The walls are thin enough as it is, and I can practically hear the music you play from _my_ headphones. Bad selection.”

“Hey!” The Cuban shouts before crossing his arms, “Not my fault you have no taste.”

“Classical music, Lance,” the youngest scoffs before shaking her head, “No wonder it takes you forever to get up in the morning.”

“Hey! That has nothing to do with it…” 

Shiro snickers softly, knowing that they didn’t mean anything bad. He turns his attention back to his best friend who’s staring at the ceiling this time, eyes again staring into the distance, unfocused. If he looks deep enough, he can see that Keith’s eyes are mostly greyish purple, nearly all iris. He waits, watching the other who seems lost in thought.

He’s breathing pretty shallow, breathes coming out quickly.

He wonders what’s wrong.

“Keith?” He whispers softly, brushing the other’s arm, “You okay?”

“Huh?” Keith blinks, eyes dragging from the ceiling to him before softening, a small smile lighting up his lips, “Yeah, I’m good, I’m fine. You?”

“I’m good,” Shiro nods before frowning, placing his hand along Keith’s neck, rubbing at the joint, “How are you? You weren’t overtraining again, were you?”

“What?” Keith blinks at him, eyes narrowing in confusion before he raises a brow, shaking his head and leaning closer to Shiro’s side. Shiro raises his brows this time, shocked that Keith was willing to show such a level of trust while out here with the others. It’s not that Keith was never touchy with him, but he usually never did this. The younger rests against his side, forehead to his bicep, “No. I didn’t train today. Decided to take it easy, you know?”

“That’s good,” Shiro frowns deeper, knowing that it wasn't like Keith to not do something with his body. He almost asks about it before shaking his head, letting it go, “Why are you tired? Insomnia flaring again?”

“Yeah,” Keith breathes out softly before yawning quietly, huffing as he closes his eyes, “Tough time sleeping lately.”

“I get that,” Shiro agrees before pulling up the blanket that the younger is wrapped up in. He must have brought it in with him, “All these battles kind of mess up our schedules. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve laid awake in the night waiting for sleep. I get it, buddy.”

“Nightmares?” Keith whispers so softly that Shiro almost thinks he makes it up in his head. The other doesn’t move to open his eyes, “More?”

“A bit,” Shiro confesses after a moment, pressing the blanket up more. He forces himself to not think of the fights or plunging his hand through his opponents or just...anything, “But not too bad. Go to sleep, Keith. You look exhausted."

"Mhhh…" He mutters softly before passing out, breath evening out some. Shiro stares at him, concerned still there as his hand brushes through silky soft hair colored like dark charcoal glass. A moment passes before Keith leans closer still, enjoying the touch in his sleep. Shiro chuckles fondly under his breath. 

Just like old times. Keith was a cat back then too. Few saw his soft side, only exposed to his claws and teeth, his bite and fight, his fire. Shiro has seen so much more than that. 

"I'm taking him back to his room," he speaks to the others, already picking him up carefully as though he's something precious. He is, "We're done for the day. See you guys bright and early tomorrow."

"Awww man," Lance scowls, "Can't even get an extra half hour of beauty sleep."

"Awww, he looks so peaceful," Hunk speaks up, grinning at them, "Good night, guys. Hope he gets some sleep."

"Yeah, same here," Pidge nods before yawning herself, "I'm pooped. Think we should go to sleep too."

"Ditto," Hunk answers back.

"I guess," Lance sighs before shaking his head, "I thought we were going to watch that video though."

"Oh, yeah, we were," Pidge frowns before shrugging, "Why not? It's only half an hour long."

"Just make sure you go to bed after that," Shiro rolls his eyes, knowing that they likely would stay up longer, "And get some sleep."

"Yeah, yeah, dad," Lance huffs before staring at the screen. Shiro scoffs softly before starting for the door.

"I am not a space dad!" He whisper shouts playfully so they can hear him but not wake Keith up. The younger only shifts slightly in his sleep, nosing at his jacket before calming into a deeper sleep, "Good night."

"Good night, Shiro."

"Night."

"I'll make sure they both get to bed," Hunk grins back at him before turning back to the computer, "Woah, look at that! It's so cool."

Shiro doesn't hear the reply as he steps out, the door closing behind him. He strolls down to their living quarters, tapping on the DNA scanner before going into Keith's room. 

It's bland inside. They've been here for months, likely. Keith has no decorations up, no memos of their trips, no anything. His room is blank as could be, his rumpled bed (that's missing its blanket) the only sign that he was sleeping in here.

Shiro carefully rests the other on the bed, gently removing his jacket and belt. He puts them both on the wall, coming back to remove the younger's boots. He just gets it done when Keith's eyes open slightly, hazy with heavy sleep.

"Keith?"

"Stay," Keith whispers his plea, "Don't leave."

"I…" Shiro frowns, seeing a vulnerability there in those galaxy eyes that he's never seen before. He simply cannot deny the younger, never could, "Alright. But you have to scoot back so we can both fit."

Keith huffs before nodding and shuffling back until his back's to the wall. Shiro quickly removes his vest and boots, remembering to take off his belt at the last second. He carefully slides into the bed, boxing Keith in. The younger just sniffles before resting his head on his chest, slipping asleep. Shiro lies there for a few minutes, just staring at the other, wondering what is wrong. A moment passes before his flesh hand strokes Keith's head, brushing through thick hair and ghosting the shell of his ear.

He likes this. It's so...domestic and peaceful. Keith's warm and cozy against his chest, reminding him that he's not alone. He's not back there, fighting for his life in pointless sick matches. He's here in the Castle of Lions, with his crew and two Alteans and four mice and his best friend. 

He can't help it when he leans over, too tired to actually completely be in control of his actions. He presses a quick kiss to Keith's forehead, brushing his thumb against a smooth cheekbone before falling asleep himself.

It's a while later that he wishes they were back in that bed. They've both crash landed on a planet at roughly 25 meters squared, some alien monsters almost ate him, his side was glowing with a wound the witch left him with, and Keith's acting strange. 

Shiro rests against the rocks behind him, hand pressing to his wound as he feels the heat of the fire. He feels like shit, as if acid is being poured on his side and spreading through his veins. He aches all over and he's pretty sure he has a fever, since he's shivering and sweating. He's slipping between sleep and awareness, the two blurring. 

One moment, Keith's standing above him, facing the fire, allowing him a glimpse of his pale face. He looks a little sick, like he's nauseous. He's also sweating, maybe even more than Shiro is. Shiro can see him grinding his teeth in slight pain.

Maybe he got hurt in his reckless attempt to fight Zarkon.

And the next moment, he's gone. Shiro turns his head, blinking when he doesn't see Keith nearby. Fear strikes his heart. He doesn't want Keith wandering off on his own, especially after those lizard beasts. Shiro wasn't in the shape to go help him, even if he wants to. He knows he can't stand up on his own, much less get to his lion and pilot. 

"Ke…" He coughs before gripping the wound, feeling it burn and twist, "Keith…"

"Shiro?" Keith's suddenly by his side, hands pressing to his chest, "Sorry, I'm here. You're okay."

"Keith," Shiro breathes out softly before he actually peeks up at the other...who looks as bad as he feels. The younger is even paler somehow, more sweat on his forehead. Shiro can feel the tremors running through his armor, and he quickly realizes it's coming from his best friend. His eyes have that weird hazy gleam to them, even with them being shaded from the fire behind him. He can also see the younger's clearly uncomfortable, fidgeting a bit side to side, "Keith?"

"Hmmm?" Keith stares at him, brows down before he frowns, "What?"

"You…" Shiro stares even longer, just about ready to say something but decides against it. Keith won't tell him what is happening, especially if it could bother Shiro, "Need a break. Sit with me?"

Keith seems to debate it, teeth biting into his lower lip before he nods. Slowly, he settles down by Shiro's right side, leaning onto him, though he doesn't seem consciously aware of doing so. He stares off into the fire with a faraway glaze to his eyes again, teeth gritting in pain as his left hand rests over his chest plate. His right hand presses to Shiro's thigh as though he needs to ground himself. 

"Keith?" Shiro asks, not getting a response. The younger looks exhausted again, but he's not sleeping, not even resting. He's tense and stiff and still shaking a bit, as though there's a live wire beneath his skin. He stares at the fire, eyes unblinking as he rubs at his chest a bit. Something's wrong, so Shiro shakes him a bit, "Keith. Keith! What's wrong? Were you injured in the fight?"

Keith's eyes skate over to him like they did that day on the couch, blinking softly before he shakes his head.

"Must have been from the crash," his voice is empty and monotone, "Probably hit something."

"Shit," Shiro cusses as he raises his flesh hand, running it through Keith's hair, feeling for any bumps, "You might have a concussion."

Keith doesn't say anything, just goes back to staring at the fire. A moment passes before he shivers a bit, pressing closer to Shiro. His elbow accidentally hooks Shiro on the ribs, right over the wound. Shiro grunts as lightning courses through his blood, the spot pure agony. Once he settles to where he can breathe again, he notes that Keith seems to have missed his reaction, still sitting there with glazed glassy eyes.

It wasn't his fault. He was probably hurt too. Shiro could take the pain, nothing new. He carefully brushes his fingers through black locks, focusing his attention on Keith's face. The younger is still staring, sweat sliding down his cheeks. He's biting harder now, fist pressing more on his chest.

"Keith, does your chest hurt?" Shiro asks cautiously, moving his hand to rest over Keith's hand. The smaller limb is trembling, resting not over his chest like he assumed, but rather over his heart. He doesn't see anything damaged in the armor, but he worries even more, "Is it...does it hurt here?"

He presses a bit over the spot. Keith doesn't flinch, but his dark eyes move to look at him even though he doesn't turn his head. A moment of silent staring goes by before Keith frowns, nodding before he presses even closer. Luckily, this time he doesn't bump his wound, but rather curls up around Shiro, one leg thrown over his own two and one pressing to his side. He keeps the hand pressed to his chest, the other gripping Shiro's good side. His chin presses on his undersuit, hair resting on his shoulder pad.

“Hurts…” The younger mutters against his neck, nose brushing his clothed throat, “Shiro…”

“It’s going to be okay,” Shiro frowns at the other, not knowing what is wrong. Maybe something was wrong internally. What if the crash caused internal bleeding? What if Keith didn’t survive? Shiro always had it on his mind that he himself wouldn’t make it. He had an expiration date, he was getting old. He knows he’ll die someday, maybe even soon with the way things keep going. But Keith…

No. Keith was supposed to lead when he’s gone. Shiro absolutely trusts him to make the right decisions, to be the leader they need. Keith’s got potential, is strong.

“You’ll be okay,” he hugs Keith close, ignoring the new wave of pain along his side, “When Coran and them get here, we’ll both get into a pod to fix it.”

Keith sighs softly, relaxing just the slightest before he grinds his teeth again. Shiro can feel the other’s thumb brushing along his side, likely flicking against his own fingers, a habit for when he’s worried or sad or hurt. Shiro’s own worry thrashes him, making him wish he could do something to help. Keith’s clearly in pain, but they don’t have anything with them.

“Just hold on, Keith,” he frowns before closing his eyes, “Just hold on.”

…..

“In you go, Number One!”

Shiro ducks back carefully, feeling something in his side tear. He winces deeply before shaking his head. The others stare at him with concerned eyes, but he doesn’t give in as he glances up at Keith who’s in the cryopod, still in his sleep.

“I’ll go in a pod once I know what’s wrong with Keith,” he compromises, leaning against the pod a little too much to be comfortable, “I need to know if he’s okay.”

“We can check,” Coran nods, typing on the pod before it comes to life, “It’s been a few days since you crashed.”

The machine whirs to life, flashing a few times before it beeps softly.

“Hmmm…” Coran looks over the report, face a bit blank before smiling, “All seems well here. There’s nothing wrong.”

“Are you…” Shiro stares up at his friend, remembering the pain he was going through. Keith couldn’t have faked such real agony. Maybe the scanner didn’t pick it up, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am quite sure,” Coran nods softly before typing some more, showing a chart, “There is no internal damage. The most he needs to be in there is for some bruises and scrapes. Some rest would also be a benefit, but other than that, he’s good to go.”

Huh...Shiro leans on the pod more. Keith had been in lots of pain, right over his heart. But it wasn’t showing anything at all? Maybe it healed in those few days? But...the pain had only gotten worse as time went on. Between his pain and Keith’s, he had heard a few times where Keith had been whimpering. He’s pretty sure that another time, the younger had slipped over onto his lap, resting his head onto his leg and gritting his teeth repeatedly.

“Are you absolutely sure?”

“Yes, he is sure,” Allura exclaims in exasperation before sighing softly, “We both can see the scans, Shiro. Keith is not hurt.”

Physically...but what if-

He doesn’t get to think of it again before he’s thrust into the pod, waking to memories of Ulaz saving him and getting him out of there. They're so busy going to the system he left in his arm that they don't notice Keith's problem. The younger one comes out of the pod, nervous and tired, looking like he would get in trouble. But before they could do anything, Ulaz invades.

“It’s Ulaz,” Shiro states as they face off, Allura slamming him into the wall. It takes a moment to realize that Keith is standing by his side, face unsure and tight. At first, he thinks it’s because of Ulaz, who is clearly a Galra. But a moment passes before he notices that Keith is rubbing his thumb. He pulls him aside once they leave to take Ulaz to the lounge.

“You okay?” He carefully grips his arm.

“Yeah,” Keith nods before sighing, face still tight, "Look, I need to go grab something from my room. I'll be right back."

"Okay," Shiro frowns before he squeezes the other's arm, "Keith…"

"Yeah?"

"You can tell me anything," Shiro nods at him, "I don't exactly know what's going on, but...I'm here if you need it...if you want it..."

"I...thanks, Shiro," Keith grins fondly before rubbing his face, "Just got some aches and stuff that the pod didn't fix. I'll be in the lounge in a minute."

"Okay," Shiro agrees, watching the younger break away from the group. He's so tempted to follow him, to find out what is going on. But that would be a break in trust and privacy. Heck, he could barely force himself to not end up staring whenever they are in the communal showers that are in the training room. 

Mind made up, he goes to the lounge, coming in just as Ulaz's feet are cuffed together.

"Is that really necessary?" He asks with a raised brow.

"Yes," Allura answers back, eyes sharp and glaring at Ulaz, "It is. If I really wanted to, I'd also cuff his arms behind him."

"Allura…"

"No, I will not back down on this," she frowns before crossing her arms, "We simply cannot trust him. He will stab us all in the back."

"If I wanted you dead, I would have already killed you," Ulaz responds to the barbed words, "As it is, we need Voltron. When I saw Shiro, I knew I had made the right choice in freeing him."

"Yeah," Allura scowls, eyes narrowing, "Well, I'm sorry but we don't need your help. We don't need help from a-"

"Galra?" Ulaz interrupts with a serious face. It's not quite tired or frustrated or angered or even sad...more resigned, "I understand. But not all of us are the same. The Blade of Marmora wishes to go back to the old values of trust and peace. To times where diplomacy was the first choice. We do not thirst for blood nor battle, but it is what we must thrive on to survive."

Shiro could see Keith come into the room part of the way through Ulaz's speech. The younger looks better than before, face relaxed more and less...pained. But he also has that weird gleam in his eyes too.

He's not the only one to notice it. Ulaz sees him too, but keeps going on talking. The only noticeable change is that Ulaz tilts his head slightly, as if pondering about his best friend. Before long, Keith is by his side, warm though he's still several inches away. 

"Better?”

“Hmmm?” Keith blinks at him after a moment before noticing that Shiro had been talking to him, “Yeah.”

“Good.”

And then they follow Ulaz to his base. They talk and then the robeast finds them. They fight as best as they can, but they barely get by, and only in thanks to Ulaz who sacrifices himself to free them.

“He’s...gone,” Shiro frowns, hating that a life was lost to this terrible war. Ulaz was a good person. He can see everyone else on the screens. They all look...relieved. Shiro’s heart burns at that. They simply didn’t care like he did. And then his eyes fall on Keith who looks just as devastated as he is. His eyes are wide, face pale as he watches where the machine blew up, teeth biting into his lip.

That night, when they lie in Shiro’s bed together, Keith wakes up from a nightmare. Shiro’s up beforehand, just watching Keith’s sleeping face until it twists in fear. Keith flinches before bringing his hand up to his head, right over his ear. A moment of heavy silence echoes around them before he yelps in pain, other hand sneaking to his chest.

“Keith,” Shiro carefully brushes his hand against the younger’s arm, “Keith, wake up. It’s just a dream.”

“Stop,” Keith breathes under his breath, curling up more, “Didn’t know...Don’t...stop...Hurts...not all bad...Galra…”

Keith,” Shiro frowns before gently shaking Keith, “Keith, wake up. Come on, buddy.”

Keith goes still, seemingly slipping back into a deep sleep. Shiro watches for a long minute before he wraps the other into his arms. Maybe his presence would help Keith sleep better. Before long, he also slips off into a dreamless sleep.

…..

“Knowledge or death, Shiro.”

Shiro glares at the screen as Keith receives another kick to the shoulder. The younger yelps in pain before falling to avoid the next hit by another Blade. It’s been ten rounds now, the odds getting worse and worse for Keith. By now, he was facing way too many opponents, and Shiro nearly growls.

The arena hadn’t even been this outnumbered. Sure, they were put in and expected to kill their opponent, but they hardly threw in more than four people at a time. This...this was just wrong. He should go bust Keith out of here. Keith was clearly outmatched in the worst ways.

That's when Keith eyes the vent leading down into wherever the Blades come from. With a scream, he launches his knife right for it before slamming into the nearest Blade. Soon, he slips past them all, going down as they stand there.

"Keith," Shiro can't hold back the fear in his voice as the screen switches to show that Keith fell to the next level. He watches as the younger leans against the wall. There's blood streaking across his cheek, and his hair is wild and untamed. His shoulder must hurt a lot, but yet he clenches his blade in his fist.

He would never give up. It was Keith. Keith never gave up. He fought and fought, even when the odds were against him. He fought words. He fought kicks and punches. He fought his dad's death, the abuse, and everything.

The younger sways weakly before snickering softly as if he's not in a ton of pain. 

"Looks like I really wasn't supposed to go through that door," he laughs a bit harder before taking two more steps forward. On his second step, he pales with a small whimper, crashing to the ground in a heap.

Shiro jolts. He's ready to run to Keith's side. They were killing him! He couldn't watch Keith get his life killed because of this...this ridiculous trial. He had to get them out.

"Wait," Kolivan speaks, staring at the screen, "You mustn't interrupt the trial."

Shiro's about to protest when he sees a shadow form over Keith. He stares harder, squinting when the thing...the person leans over Keith. At the same time, Keith wakes up. His violet eyes slip open, matching the walls around him as the person's shadow falls over his face.

"Hey, man," Shiro's brows shoot up at the voice. It's his, "You made it. You've made it longer than anyone else has."

His...he helps Keith to stand, leaving a good foot or so between them. That was unlike him. He'd be by Keith's side to make sure he didn't fall.

"Is that?" Shiro pauses, not wanting the answer, "A hologram."

Kolivan doesn't nod or indicate anything, merely continuing to watch. But Shiro feels his eyes on him.

"His suit has the ability to create a virtual mindscape, reflecting its wearer's greatest hopes and fears," the taller states before turning to him, "And at this moment, your friend desperately wants to see you."

Shiro scowls in concern, but his attention goes back to the screens.

"Shiro," Keith smiles softly which the hologram sends back, "I...what are you doing here?"

"I'm here to take you home," 'Shiro' speaks up, "Let's go."

"What?" Keith asks incredulously before stepping back, eyes hurt, "But...I have to know about my past. I can't leave yet."

"What is with you and that _thing_?" The hologram spits out angrily, "Why do you even bother to cling to it? When has it ever helped you?"

"It's the only thing I have left," Keith frowns, "It's my chance to learn who I really am."

"Hah," the hologram hisses, stepping forward as Keith steps back, "The only thing you have left? You know who you are. You're a Paladin of Voltron. You're the Red Paladin. We're all the family you need."

"I...I've chosen my choice," Keith stares at the fake with a pained conviction, "I have to know, Shiro."

"You'd choose your knife over us?" The man exclaims in shock, face tight, "That thing has only brought you pain. Your mother abandoned you and left it for what? So you could die in some...some pointless trial to the death?"

Keith's face looks even more pained, his left hand moving to his chest a bit.

"I have to, Shiro," he pleads before stepping closer, "I'm sorry. You're...you're the most important person in my life...like...like a brother to me. But I have to do it."

"No, you don't. Just give up the knife!" The hologram shouts, "Clearly, I'm not very important to you. You just can't give them up, can you?"

"Shiro?" Keith wheezes with wide eyes, "You...since when? Shiro?"

"Since forever," the other sneers, "You're just being pathetic, Keith. We can't afford someone as selfish as you, as you always do. And since you feel this way, you've chosen to be alone. Enjoy the pain, Keith."

And then the hologram turns on its heels, walking away. Shiro stares frozen in place as Keith gazes at his blade. There's tears in those dark depths as he turns to the hologram, racing after it.

"Shiro!" He shouts in pain, diving forward with an outstretched arm, "Wait!"

But the hologram doesn't listen, only sends out a burst of light. It's so bright that Shiro must look away. When he looks back, Keith's on his back. He's gripping his blade in his hand and his face is twitching between feverish pain and fear.

"What have you done to him!" Shiro twists to Kolivan, "You're messing with his mind! We have to get him out of there!"

"He can get himself out," the Galra answers back.

"You're going to kill him!" Shiro yells back, taking a step away from the taller man before turning, "We're leaving."

Only to bump into two guards who hadn't been there before. They - like most Galra - are also taller than him. That was a strange feeling, for Shiro was usually towering over others. He stops in his tracks as they both stand there. He could take them out if he needs to. He was...he was the Champion. He was stronger than two Blades...but...he might not make it to Keith in time. He could waste all of his energy getting by these two.

"Knowledge or death."

And that's when the base bursts into action. The whole place trembles, nearly knocking them all off their feet. One Blade comes rushing in with a sharp shout.

"The Red Lion is attacking the base!"

"It has a connection with Keith!" Shiro snarls back at Kolivan. Keith had to be too far hurt for Red to react this way, "She knows when he's in danger!"

Kolivan seems ready to say something, probably more bullshit about knowledge or death, when the place shakes even more. The two holding him back both let go and stumble to the side in order to stay upright. He uses their distractions to get away, slamming his elbow into their armor without a hint of shame, racing out the door to his best friend. 

Keith looks...beat.

"Keith!" He shouts out as he gains ground closer and closer, "Keith!"

Just as he gets close, Keith's eyes slip open. They're confused with a hint of agony swimming in those grey-purple orbs.

"Sh-shiro?" He says with so much disbelief, as if he can't imagine Shiro being there. As if he can't imagine Shiro _coming back for him_. Shiro quickly scoops him up to his feet, never moving away. This is what the hologram should have done. This is what Keith should know he'd do.

"Give up the blade!" Kolivan shouts from the doorway as his Blades surround him, "You cannot leave with it! It does not belong to you! You failed to awaken it!"

"What does that mean!" Keith screams in anger. Shiro can feel the tremors running through Keith, as if he may collapse at any moment. Antok rushes at them like a tsunami wave, and Shiro runs to meet him with an activated arm. He wasn't letting them touch Keith. Keith was his best friend. Keith was...he loved him. Maybe as more than just a friend.

"Wait!" Shiro hears behind him as they both stare over at Keith in shock. The younger holds out his blade, "Take the knife! I know who I am. I don't need this to prove it. And...I don't...Shiro's life isn't worth knowing about my past. So take it."

The dagger glows, bursting with soothing light that blinds them all for ten seconds. Shiro can't look away though from Keith's stunned face. Even like this, all beaten and hurt, Keith looks beautiful in his own way. 

"You've awakened the blade," Kolivan says in shock.

The blade transforms into a three-foot sword.

"The only way this is possible is if you have Galra blood running through your veins."

Keith stares in shock. It soon turns into resignation, but never denial or disbelief. Shiro remembers Keith's nightmares lately and suddenly realizes that Keith already suspected he was Galra. It explained the questions about if all the Galra should die.

And then Keith collapses into the ground, still not letting go of his blade.

"Keith!"

…..

Shiro takes Keith to the infirmary he's led to by Antok. It's almost like the castle's own, but much darker colored. Shiro doesn't pay attention to any of it as he starts to peel the suit off. Antok had given Keith in injection right next to the damaged shoulder wound, likely for pain. Though Keith was still unconscious, the Red Lion seems to have stopped the attack, which was a good sign.

"Sh-shiro?" Keith's voice is small and cracked as he gazes at him, "What...are you doing...here?"

"I'm helping you," Shiro smiles at him softly, "Why...why wouldn't I?"

"Because I…" Keith swallows before looking away to the wall, "I'm Galra. I...they hurt you. You...you should leave."

"No," Shiro shakes his head, "I'm not leaving."

"But you did," Keith sniffles as he shakes his head too, "You left too."

"Keith, that wasn't me," Shiro frowns before gently holding Keith's face, swiping away stray tears that do escape, "I'm not going anywhere."

"No, not that," Keith shakes his head harder. Shiro quickly grabs it to make him still it. He didn't want Keith getting a concussion too, "You left. You...they said you were dead. You left."

It hits Shiro like a brick on the head.

Kerberos. 

Keith was talking about Kerberos. 

"I can't lose you again, Shiro," Keith pants brokenly, leaning on his side, "I don't think I'll survive it this time.”

“Won’t survive?” Shiro asks softly, leaning his own body closer, “Keith? What are you talking about?”

“I’m sorry,” Keith flinches before burying his face into Shiro’s armor. He’s clearly affected by the drugs they gave him because his reactions are slow and his eyes hazy a bit, “Wanna go home.”

"We will," Shiro nods, very concerned still, "Let me just...I need to get this suit off."

Keith doesn't respond, merely going limp but still awake. Shiro quickly pulls the suit over his arms before sliding it down his chest. The shoulder wound is bleeding a bit but not too badly, and it didn’t seem to bother Keith. He slips it off Keith's hips, which don't have anything else on. He ignores that fact as he slides the rest of the suit off of his legs and feet, dropping the dirty cloth to the floor.

Only to see scars littered along Keith's thighs. They're silver pink stripes on his inner thighs. A burn mark in the shape of his knife sits on one leg. He almost could fool himself into believing it was an accident. Into thinking Keith had accidentally fallen over onto his knife while it was hot.

But the marks went on both legs. It wasn't accidental. Ice drops into his veins as Shiro frowns. He had seen Keith’s thighs before, at the Garrison. He never remembers any of these marks then.

"Keith," he swallows before brushing along Keith's thighs softly, barely touching him, "Keith, what happened here?"

"Sorry," Keith apologizes again, face white and scared, even more so with the painkiller in his system, "Sorry. Didn't mean to go that deep. It just...it hurt. You left. They said that you were gone. I just...I needed some way to feel something. I needed to feel something other than my chest ready to burst. I just…"

Keith sobs as Shiro's own eyes water. The younger man yanks on his armor weakly, pawing at it.

"I just...I didn't mean to go that deep," Keith cries softly, tears a waterfall down his cheeks onto his collarbones. Shiro's saddened by the fact that if Keith hadn't been given the drugs, he wouldn't have opened up like this. He'd still be telling Shiro that he was fine. He's not fine, "That's...it was the only way to get rid of the pain. I just...I missed you and it hurt. It hurt...don't be mad. Don't...don't leave. Shiro...Don’t...don’t go..."

"I won't leave," Shiro hugs him near, frowning where Keith can't see it. A moment passes before he starts getting Keith dressed in his paladin suit. He puts a bandage over the damaged shoulder before sealing the suit up. At this point, Keith's no longer crying and is starting to slip to sleep, eyes drooping from exhaustion and lack of pain. He can still see the dried trails of tears down his face. Shiro carefully holds onto his chin, staying mindful to be kind and not sound mad, "Keith, do you...do you still hurt yourself?"

"Hmmm?" Keith blinks at him before shaking his head, "Not since…then...I...won’t again...Too deep..."

"Okay," Shiro nods, believing him. None of the scars looked new or fresh. He must be telling the truth. He quickly grabs Keith up into his hold, which the smaller barely protests against.

"Can…" Keith taps his shoulder slightly, "Can walk…"

"I know," Shiro smiles back at him, "But I don't want to risk you falling over and getting hurt more. Just sleep. I got you, buddy."

And like that, Keith slips into a deep sleep. He takes Keith back to his lion as Kolivan and Antok hop inside with him. He carefully takes Keith with him to the bed cabin area, tucking the younger into the blanket sitting there before he goes to Red’s seat. The lion grumbles under his hands, but knows that he only wants to get them home. He only wants to get Keith home. The lion shoots up through the air as the barrier opens up. And just in good time, for the castle looks like it’s about ready to come charging in.

“Hey, it’s us. We’re on our way,” Shiro announces over the comms system, glad that screen wasn’t on. They’d assume that Keith was awake and silently piloting the lion, “And I brought someone you should meet.”

…..

Shiro notices the stares the others send Keith.

Pidge watches Keith like he’s an enigma that she wants to take apart and know more about. Lance stares at him with big eyes, hardly even saying anything anymore unless it was to ‘defend’ Allura’s honor. Hunk seems even more nervous around Keith, shooting him scared looks often. Coran puts some distance between him and Keith, staring with glazed eyes as if thinking of the past.

Allura...she’s another story. He sees the glares she sends Keith. He winces at the harsh comments that fall from her lips. He knows that she pretends Keith’s not even there most of the time.

But Kolivan’s stares are the weirdest. The older watches Keith curiously, one brow raised as Keith goes about his duties. It’s rather strange, for it looks almost like what Ulaz had been looking at Keith like about a month back. But then...he must have figured it out. But...how? Keith looks human. None of them had ever guessed it. None of them had known, not even Keith. And why would Kolivan even look at Keith like this if it was about him being Galra? Maybe he just...was young for the Galra?

And Shiro knows this hurts Keith. The younger never says anything, never fights against it, doesn’t move away when the others get to talking about the Galra. But he’s clearly uncomfortable about it. He spends more time alone, which Shiro tries...oh, he tries to ease with hugs and spars and just...being by Keith’s side. He’s not leaving Keith ever again. When they sleep at night, he can’t help but notice that in his sleep, Keith still has nightmares and dreams, possibly worse than before. He even cries in some of them, crystal tears slipping silently onto his pillow. Shiro holds him tighter those nights as Keith paws at his chest, which seems to be hurting more and more lately. He’s really starting to worry that Keith’s got some type of heart condition that is wearing down on his health with all of the stress and heartbreak recently. But…

The pod still says that he’s healthy. The shoulder heals up fine besides a scar that’s left. Nothing shows up.

“Paladin Shiro,” Kolivan comes up to him one day, grabbing his arm as Shiro returns it back in the traditional greeting of a Galra, “I must thank you for the plans we have set into motion. If not for your insistence, we would not be much needed allies in this war against Zarkon.”

“It wasn’t just me,” Shiro smiles up at the other before letting go of his wrist, “We all worked as a team. Oh, and you don’t have to announce my title every time. I’m just Shiro.”

“Shiro,” Kolivan nods before glancing around, “Where is...Keith?”

“I don’t know,” Shiro frowns, glancing around the room at the others. Allura was with Coran as they both talked to Antok, serious looks on their faces. The other three were off in the corner, doing whatever they were doing. But Keith was nowhere to be seen, “I haven’t seen him in awhile. He could be training.”

“Does he do so often?” Kolivan tilts his head.

“Yeah,” Shiro nods, smiling at the memory of Keith training there. It seems to be his first choice, even after the castle went crazy, “Keith’s...he’s big on staying in shape. Sparring is his way to keep his mind off of stuff.”

“Is that so?” Kolivan’s eyes narrow for a moment, “I heard from the Yellow Paladin that the hall for the training room goes to the right. I saw your Red Paladin leave to the left.”

He ignores the spike of thrill that those words send through him as he waits. What was to the left? There was...not much honestly. Their bedrooms were just down that hall though, so maybe Keith needed to grab something? Maybe he was just tired. Maybe-

“Sh-iro,” he hears his name called out brokenly as he whips his head up towards the door. Keith’s standing there, leaning against the doorway with his hand to the white metal. Shiro’s heart stops as he looks the other over. He’s paler than the pristine metal nearby, but his skin has a purplish tone to it, especially his lips. He’s shaking a bit, clearly sweating and his breathing is shallow. He steps forward more, “Shi-ro.”

And then he collapses onto the floor.

“Keith!”

Shiro’s eyes widen before he sprints to Keith’s side. As soon as he gets to Keith, he kneels down and grabs onto the other, turning him onto his back. As soon as he does, he winces. Keith looks worse than death. His eyes are open but the pupils are tiny dots, and the orbs aren’t focusing right. His breathing is still wrong, too erratic and thin, but if Shiro listens through the chaos of the room, he can hear a slight rattle to it. He feels Keith’s cheek, which feels clammy and cold as ice as Keith looks over at him slowly. It’s the type that is born from confusion and lessened awareness.

“Sh-” He breathes out with more of a rattle before grabbing onto his grey sleeve, “Ro...s-s’rry.”

“It’s okay,” Shiro smiles back, worried as the others dash for them. They all must have been in shock, “You’re going to be okay, Keith. We just...need...we’ll...you’re going to make it.”

“Pick him up, Shiro,” Kolivan speaks from his side, face dull as he gestures for him to move, “Hurry. We have little time to fix this.”

Shiro listens, not bothering to ask anything as he quickly grabs Keith into his arms. They all rush to the infirmary where he places Keith on a bed nearby.

“Antok,” Kolivan turns to the much bigger Blade who stares, “Get me the _gestlocke_ antidote.”

“Will do,” the other nods before quickly rifling through the small pocket on his left calf. In the meantime, Kolivan starts removing Keith’s jacket from his body, which Shiro blinks at.

“What...what happened here?” One of the others asks as Shiro holds onto Keith’s right hand which is out of the jacket now. It’s just...so small in his hold, “What happened to him?”

“I feared this happening,” Kolivan frowns as he pulls off the red crop top jacket from Keith’s smaller frame before quickly inspecting Keith’s arms. Shiro stares at the tiny mark on Keith’s elbow. It’s just barely discolored, a light pinkish color, “He’s overdosing.”

“Overdosing?” Shiro asks softly, eyes going to Keith’s face. The younger was even paler yet, breathing less now than before. His limbs were oddly limp as he rests there, eyes staring around at them with a hazy film that speaks of him not quite being with them, “I...what? How?”

“My guess is he’s using some type of painkiller to feel better,” Kolivan answers before sighing softly, grabbing the thing from Antok’s hand, “I am giving him this. It’ll help with the overdosing effects, but he must go into a pod so the drugs can be cleansed from his system.”

The much bigger man puts the small device into Keith’s nose, pressing a spray into his nasal passages. A second goes by, seeming as though nothing happens before Keith’s breathing gets a little bit better. His shaking stops some as he gets a bit of a complexion. Shiro gently holds onto his hand, watching as the younger’s pupils go from dots to a better size. The younger still doesn’t focus well on anything though.

“Get him into a pod,” Kolivan turns to Shiro before looking over at Coran who has a worried look, “The antidote only negates the effects for a little bit.”

Shiro scoops him up, quickly changing him into a white pod suit. He doesn’t think Keith would like more people knowing about his past self-harm, especially now that they know he was using drugs. God, he should have seen this. He carefully places Keith into the pod, which seals up at Coran’s command.

“Kolivan,” Allura stands tall but even she seems unsettled, “Why did this happen?”

Shiro wants to ask more of why did Keith turn to drugs. Why didn’t he tell Shiro he was using them? Why didn’t...why?

“It happened because he is young,” Kolivan stares at them for a long moment before sighing, sounding so much older, like a man who has witnessed great death and hurt, “Our young Galra do not know good coping mechanisms.”

“Good mechanisms?” Pidge asks quietly, paler than normal. It hits Shiro that he’s not the only affected by Keith’s overdose. All of them were too. They could have lost him. They would have lost him, “Wh-what does that mean?”

“When a Galra feels psychological pain, they feel it as if it is a physical pain,” Kolivan stares at them all before his gaze moves to Keith’s pod, “We do not feel other types of pain, just physical ones, though they exist for us.”

“That’s why…” Shiro frowns before resting his hand onto the pod over Keith’s chest, “He was hurting. I just...I thought it was a heart problem.”

“Yes, that is what it is,” the older shakes his head, scar on his right side standing out, “There’s different kinds of pain. They affect everyone differently, but the worst pain comes from losing our loved ones, especially lifemates.”

“Lifemates?” Hunk asks with scrunched brows, “Like...uhhh...I don’t know...like a partner or something?”

“More than that,” Kolivan shakes his head, “A lifemate is someone we trust with our lives, someone we would die for, someone...who means everything to us. The people who are most important in our lives.”

 _You're...you're the most important person in my life_.

“For me, Antok is that person,” he nods to the other who crosses his arms, “And I am the same to him. We both grew up in a society where we have been taught how to control the pain if it should come. But your paladin has not had the opportunity to do so. It is why we rarely form bonds of any type.”

“But if that’s the case…” Lance points at Keith’s pod before gesturing around the room, “Who the heck is his lifemate? And why take...whatever he took?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Kolivan asks with raised brows before turning to Shiro, “He seeks out the Black Paladin when he is in need. He is happier around Shiro. I have been watching the last movement and have seen that he is attached to you. I did not say anything sooner because I was unsure if he was actually taking drugs. But now I know, since my own supply stock has gone down by one.”

“He stole your medicine?” Shiro laughs incredulously, remembering Keith taking off with his car. It had been why he had hesitated when Kolivan had asked if he knew that Keith hadn’t stolen his knife. He glances at Keith fondly before sighing, “He’s always been...stealthy.”

“But...wait…” Hunk waves at them before his face goes sad, “Did that mean...did Keith mean to overdose? Was he in that much pain that he...that he was going to...”

“No,” Kolivan shakes his head before pulling out one of the syringes, “He was simply in pain and didn’t realize how much is in here. He took it too close to the last dose we gave him after the trials. These shots only work with physical pain and don’t affect the psychological aspect of pain. He likely snuck out another when it wouldn’t stop hurting, thinking it would help this time.”

Shiro stares up at Keith as he listens. He looks a bit better already. He’s less pale, and his breathing is improving. God, he wants to give him a hug or hold him or...something.

“I noticed the painkillers disappearing,” Coran speaks up after a long moment, “Once every two weeks. But I had assumed you all were using them after battles. I know some of them got intense.”

“No,” Shiro shakes his head, “We didn’t use any of them.”

Another few minutes of silence drifts around them before Kolivan shakes his head, a displeased scowl on his lips.

“You are aware that your actions have helped lead Keith to where he is,” the older stares at them, “He is young enough that words hurt. He may not seem it, but each remark made has cut deep. He has told you the truth. He did not know of his heritage before it was revealed. His mother left early on, and he likely doesn’t remember her. Why should he have assumed he was anything but human?”

The others look down in shame. Shiro doesn’t join them, but he gets it. He gets the fear of the Galra.

“Perhaps it is time to move on,” Kolivan watches each of them closely, “Instead of seeing your Red Paladin as a Galra, see him as a person. He seems loyal and has not hurt your trust, other than being of Galra blood. Surely you have seen in your travels that no person is innately bad or good based off of blood alone.”

“Will he have withdrawal problems?” Coran changes the subject after a few seconds.

“I will assume so,” Kolivan nods, “But he should pull through with your help. He might not be able to quit right away. His first instinct will be to numb the pain. But...After all, nothing helps better than to have those we care about close. As it is, you seven are a group, a team. Voltron needs all of its parts functioning to work. We will give you some time to yourselves. We’ll return shortly.”

And then they exited the room. Antok carefully set the nasal spray up on a table on the way out with his tail. Shiro watched them go before glancing at the others who look genuinely remorseful.

“You’re going to be okay, Keith,” Shiro presses his hand to the pod over Keith’s chest again. Over his heart, “Come back to me.”


End file.
